Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Awesome Thing

So this one is personal.

I have been struggling with ADHD all my life, but didn't know it until recently. I have been unable to complete ANYTHING. Laundry , dishes, sweeping, and the ever important school work. That's what made me begin to put the pieces together. Not completing anything. I HATE to fail. I'd rather quit, but I also HATE to quit. Really the laundry doesn't go away. And I WANT my degree so much I can taste it. Have you ever struggled without knowing it? In my case it's like my whole life makes more sense through this lens then the "normal-ish" lens.

Before I realized what was going on. Before I understood the situation completely I reassessed my  life. Why was it not"working". I have a solid marriage. Parenting is hard for everyone. School is, always has been, and always will be stressful for just about everyone. Should I change my major? Am I doing the right thing? Oh crap! The dishes are everywhere. How did that happen? What do you mean you have no clean underwear? Why not? I did laundry sometime this week. The floor is disgusting. Hey what are you eating baby? Something from my swept pile I forgot to throw away! AHHHH! Didn't I put your shoes on? No? I thought I did.

It reads kind of funny, but it all has happened recently. I am absolutely unable to keep track of and complete anything. It sad and overwhelming. So I called for help. I talked to the psychiatrists nurse,who said I sound EXTREAMLY ADHD and scheduled me for her earliest appointment. Still over a week away. She suggested I see a local doctor to get meds to manage it until I can get in. I went to the doctor who concurred, but could not prescribe an adult amphetamines. No one in town can apparently. I set up phone counseling through my school who out sources it. My appointment was Friday. I got stood up. I need help and that's hard enough to say let alone ask for. Why not call the school and reschedule? I meant to do that yesterday, but I forgot.

Now, I am not a fan of ADHD medication. Especially given my parents' past. However there is NO ONE who can help me manage my symptoms. I have to do a great many things including my schoolwork, PTO work, mommy work, wife work, daughter work, and lots of other work. I can not afford to not do these things. Because I cannot  have a babysitter who keeps me on task all day I need the medications. I don't realize that it's happening until I've been at the computer to do my homework and 2 hours later I still haven't started (no joke. I couldn't make this up). Then I've lost 2 hours, and I need to move on. Nothing has been completed. I run, but I find I would have to run several times a day if I wanted to use it to manage symptoms and I can't. So off to the psychiatrist for the filthy lucor that may help (medications).

During all of this I have really felt like a failure in every aspect of my life. Literally. But Heavenly Father has confirmed that I'm on the right path pursuing the right things. I was offered a job. I needed that offer to help my self-worth. Through that job offer I was able to understand that this is one of my struggles I must work through.  Probably because I am so against ADHD medication, especially for my children.

This could potentially turn into my dream job! It's very exciting. Jac gets a scholarship, Juni can come with me til she's two and then she'll get a scholarship. Jayna has access to the before or after school program depending on our needs. I get to bring in some much needed income and develop skills I'll need after my degree is completed.

But until August I need to solve this ADHD debacle yesterday so I can move on. I do not like being out of control. Or better not able to see that I'm  off task and daydreaming. I do not like forgetting everything. The only way to describe it is sad and the most overwhelming thing I've ever been through.

I am thankful for the many ways and good people Heavenly Father utilizes to reach out to his children. I'm grateful to know I'm doing the right thing, even if I'm not finishing it - today. There will be tomorrow and that will have to be enough until I can do better.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Somedays I feel like handing my kids one of these

Dear Kiddos,

Effective immediately I quit. I can no longer help you because you are not nice to me and it hurts my feelings. You continually ask others for what you want when I say no. This is no okay and hurts my feelings. I do not like it when you spit, yell, growl, scream, whine, cry, or throw stuff at me. I feel bad when you behave this way towards me.

I love taking care of you, but I cannot do it any longer because you do not allow me to be Nice Mom. In order for me to get you to do anything I have to be Mean Mom. I do not like Mean Mom. If you need anything feel free to go to anyone else. I do not know how else to teach you appreciation.

I will no longer be performing these duties

• Taking you to school

• Paying for your fun activities

• Taking you to fun activities

• Picking you up from school

• Taking you to the park

• Making you meals

• Getting you drinks

• Washing your clothes

• Helping you pick up

• Teaching you fun new things

• Playing puzzles

• Making your beds

• Dusting/vacuuming your room

• Reading to you (including this letter)

When you feel like apologizing and putting your best effort into being kind to me feel free to let me know. I accept payment in the form of Thank Yous, Smiles, Hugs, and Kisses.


Your Former Mommy

Sunday, February 6, 2011


I think Valentines Day is important because it reminds us that we should love everyone, even the smelly kid in class. However, I have a problem with kids handing out candy hearts and messages that say things like: "Will you be mine?" or "I Love You." or "I like your butt!" or my absolute favorite to hate; "Kiss Me." WHAT!!!!!! You're four! Stop that, it's completely inappropriate! So I made my own with Rosie's help and I think they're cute. Not one is the same, which makes them custom! Here they are:

Some have more heart shaped spots than others.
We used bubbles instead of candy because my kids live with their grandparents which means they eat enough candy with out you giving them some. I really don't like candy, unless I'm the one eating it. Candy is for Halloween. Besides we're robust enough (fine, I'm robust enough. Does that make you happy?) That we-I should NEVER eat another piece of candy again! I take a lot of pride in designing it myself and commandeering my mother in laws cricut to make them.

The top heart holds the bubbles in place.

Inside It says: "You caught the Love Bug!" Completely appropriate for a four year old. Even if she does like someone in her class' butt. (Really, I wouldn't be surprised she talks about poop enough that it's entirely possible that she's a butt girl.) And, she struggled through and wrote her name-grudgingly 15 times! Yay Rosie! She writes Jayna, because after all, that is her first name. I wanted to make some for my parents and friends and grandma, but I ran out of paper and patience. So "Happy Valentine's Day!" You get a picture of a Love Bug Valentine. And a story too!

Here's the Poem that started the wheels inside my head a-spinin' :
It begins with a grin.
It turns to a giggle.
I start to laugh.
My legs start to wiggle.
I look around for someone to hug.
What can I do? I caught the Love Bug.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Waaaaaay too long!

I don't know where to start. So this blog is just going to be a list of happenings since my last blog.
1. Mother's Beach!
2. I got knocked up.
3. Heidi & Jeff visit!
4. I quit my job and pulled the kids out of school.
5. I'm back in school for Elementary Ed (again).
6. Signed Rosie up for 2 1/2 days a week at the community center preschool.
7. Signed Jac up for 1 1/2 day a week at an in home Montessori school.
8. Thanksgiving
9. Signed Rosie up for two ballet lessons a week.
10. It's a girl!
11. Kerri and Family visit for Christmas.
12. New Years snow!
13. Jerm Gets laid off and comes to live with us!

So now that we're up to date. I guess I'll be moving forward.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Closer to 30 than to 20.

Today is my 26th birthday. WAHOOO!! I thought it would be appropriate to remember some of the things that made me who I am. The first memories I have are of Tyler, Kristy, and I dancing to Michael Jackson's Bad in our 5 year glory. The best part is we choreographed it ourselves. We were amazing kids with a lot of creativity and ingenuity. Thanks guys for never being afraid to put me on your shoulders. We wanted to dance so we did the fact that we were little and inexperienced didn't stop us. We didn't understand can't. It took me a long time to understand "can't", and frankly I still have issues with "can't".

I remember when I turned 7 my parents used those candles that light up again after they've been blown out. Everyone thought it was funny funny funny. Everyone except me. I ran to my room crying because it was my birthday and everyone laughed at me! What the crap?? You're not supposed to be laughed at on your birthday! My Mom came and explained to me that it was my birthday and they'd much rather be laughing with me so lighten up, get myself together, and come have fun. Birthdays are times when everyone lets you know how much you mean to them, but you gotta let them know how much they mean to you too. Remember that Becca, Tyler, Kristy, and Adam?

I remember when I turned 8 we went to Disneyland with my cousin Veronica and friends Kristy and Tyler and others. It was spectacular! It forever solidified my status as a "Disney Girl". And I remember when I turned 10 my Parents set up a Wacky Fun House obstacle coarse in our yards where we were covered in all sorts of messy delectables like jello and whipped cream before diving off a "super high" platform into our pool. It was just as spectacular. It's not about the money, it's about the effort and the thought.

I remember before 5th grade Wells got me a Lion King back pack. It wasn't my favorite to be honest, but I loved Wells so I used it all year. and think about how sturdy it was every time I need a new back pack. My kids just got their first back packs and I was hoping for the sturdiness of that old Disney stand by. It got thrown around and trampled, all it needed was a go in the washer to come out looking brand spanking new. Quality, quality, quality.

In Jr high my friend Bec was often doodling  the words; Love, Piece, and Happiness. It resonated with me so much that I had a Love, Peace, and Happiness birthday party in 7th grade Where I got the Hanson's Middle of Nowhwere C.D. (CDs were brand new at the time) and thought; "How stupid! What the hell am I going to listen to this with?" as I had no CD player. It was the first time I'd ever been truly jealous of someone and recognized it. Tyler already had a CD player and his birthday was still two weeks away that stupid spoiled butt head. What's my Mom expect me to do? Go to his house and listen to it? Fat chance I'd share my musical gold with that kid. Again, I went to my room crying. This time I tried not to be noticed. My Mom still followed me. Again, I was told I was ruining my birthday for me and everyone else and to stop being a brat. Not only that, but Tyler came to find me. Tyler the brat with the magical boom box that could play my brand new cherished music. He made me feel worse by knowing exactly why I was upset (that I had no CD player) and that I could borrow his. Great, that punk just turned me into the butt head - stupid butt head! My Love, Peace, and Happiness party was turning into a Jealousy, Anger, and Resentment party. Then my Dad showed up - hours late - with my present. A brand new CD player! Lesson Learned; Be on time, and be grateful, and it's not their fault they have what you want.

Later that Year Melona Mosden had a birthday party in a suite at the Las Vegas Raquet Club. It was unsupervised . We were all so excited! But, too innocent and naive to try to be bad by digging out our parents liquor or cleansers. We were going to a boy/girl party unsupervised! What more did you need? Of course in our eagerness to be grown up the night got dramatic and Tyler was trying to commit suicide by massaging his temples to death. What did I say? I am ashamed to admit it but it was something to the affect of "that won't work, lets see if he can do it". After the fact I learned that I was never as good of a friend as my friends deserved, and Tyler will always be the bigger Drama Queen, but I'm a close second.

I remember Birthdays while I summered in Ohio a simple and happy time. The less drama you have the happier you are.

Two weeks after my 18th a huge car wreck where I almost lost my fingers... Guess who was there - Tyler, Char, and Rhonda.

I remember when I turned 20 and my BFF left on his mission. I had only the one friend at that point that I counted, I'd lost touch with the Classics; Kristy, Becca, Tyler, Adam, Wells, April, Marie, Zoe because of a car wreck, moving, and new religion. It was a sad day. Then Teira called me way too early for sane people to wake up. She told me to come out and get in the car. She, Jenni, and Erin were taking me to breakfast in our PJs. Little did they know that I slept naked! So I threw on PJs and came down. It was the dawning of a new era in my life. It's never to late to make friends especially on your birthday!

When I was at BYU and Marie got me the Goo Goo Dolls CD accepted with way less drama than Hanson. It was a surprise party that I wasn't as surprised about as I should've been. I discovered I'm kinda shrewd

I remember turning 21 with Jello cake courtesy of Jenni because my braces made my teeth hurt. It was a great party with the Moderns; Teira, Ben, Christine, Jenni, Matt, and Dave maybe some others too. Kelsey, were you there? I was wearing a green trucker hat. I almost found myself at this point, there was a spring in my step.

Then I got married... and I didn't marry a birthday guy. He's had some great efforts and some not-so-great attempts. Birthdays are just days to him, but I'm slowly changing his mind. Anybody ever do the math of our kids birthdays and notice that would land conception right around Jeremy's birthday. Yeah, I know how to work his brain into liking things. So this year what's the lesson? Silence is golden and under appreciated. I will always be discovering who I am, if I ever know for sure I'm not growing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my family and hope I can give my kids the kinds of defining birthdays I had. If I died today, although I am not ready, I would be content because so many of you posted on my facebook I know you'd all be at my funeral. It would be huge. Thanks for loving me! I love each and every one of you too. More than you'll ever know or could ever guess.


Monday, July 26, 2010

Everybody wants to be a Princess

Courtesy of Rosie, I give you Princess Jac
They're getting ready to dance on the "stage".

Learning the moves.
Performing the piece.

One happy, mischievous big sister.

One happy innocent little brother who will one day be hoping his girlfriend NEVER sees these pictures.

The First Day of School

Today was the kiddos first day of school. We woke up and they were ready to leave for school in a snap!

Jac is in the potty training room as of this morning. Yes!!! Jac ate all of his breakfast and lunch, which is saying something. And he used the potty three times today! He rode on power wheels and played with cars a lot. He didn't cry when I left and got to be the line leader. From what I saw that meant he dragged the rest of the class on the rope. He's the biggest kid in his class and one of the youngest. Where did he get all that height?? When we got home all he wanted was to go back to school. The best part for me was the big hug I got when I picked him up.

Jac ready to go!

Rosie was a very good listener and got along well with everyone. Somehow someone mysteriously slipped her shoes into a trash can at nap time.When I got to her classroom she was sitting on a chair very upset over the loss of her princess shoes (sketchers with sparkles all over them). I think she got board and did it herself. Of course her favorite thing to do was play dress up. She also enjoys watching the class fish die. Her teacher can't figure out what's wrong but J is my father-in-law, so we are going to find some good hardy fish for her classroom. Rosie is well stocked on scooters (skirts with shorts under them) so she can be a princess everyday, but on the days she wears jeans she is welcome to wear a tutu over them so as not to be humiliated by the lack of princess attire.

Rosie excited to make new friends!

They both has a great day!They can't wait to go back!