Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Awesome Thing

So this one is personal.

I have been struggling with ADHD all my life, but didn't know it until recently. I have been unable to complete ANYTHING. Laundry , dishes, sweeping, and the ever important school work. That's what made me begin to put the pieces together. Not completing anything. I HATE to fail. I'd rather quit, but I also HATE to quit. Really the laundry doesn't go away. And I WANT my degree so much I can taste it. Have you ever struggled without knowing it? In my case it's like my whole life makes more sense through this lens then the "normal-ish" lens.

Before I realized what was going on. Before I understood the situation completely I reassessed my  life. Why was it not"working". I have a solid marriage. Parenting is hard for everyone. School is, always has been, and always will be stressful for just about everyone. Should I change my major? Am I doing the right thing? Oh crap! The dishes are everywhere. How did that happen? What do you mean you have no clean underwear? Why not? I did laundry sometime this week. The floor is disgusting. Hey what are you eating baby? Something from my swept pile I forgot to throw away! AHHHH! Didn't I put your shoes on? No? I thought I did.

It reads kind of funny, but it all has happened recently. I am absolutely unable to keep track of and complete anything. It sad and overwhelming. So I called for help. I talked to the psychiatrists nurse,who said I sound EXTREAMLY ADHD and scheduled me for her earliest appointment. Still over a week away. She suggested I see a local doctor to get meds to manage it until I can get in. I went to the doctor who concurred, but could not prescribe an adult amphetamines. No one in town can apparently. I set up phone counseling through my school who out sources it. My appointment was Friday. I got stood up. I need help and that's hard enough to say let alone ask for. Why not call the school and reschedule? I meant to do that yesterday, but I forgot.

Now, I am not a fan of ADHD medication. Especially given my parents' past. However there is NO ONE who can help me manage my symptoms. I have to do a great many things including my schoolwork, PTO work, mommy work, wife work, daughter work, and lots of other work. I can not afford to not do these things. Because I cannot  have a babysitter who keeps me on task all day I need the medications. I don't realize that it's happening until I've been at the computer to do my homework and 2 hours later I still haven't started (no joke. I couldn't make this up). Then I've lost 2 hours, and I need to move on. Nothing has been completed. I run, but I find I would have to run several times a day if I wanted to use it to manage symptoms and I can't. So off to the psychiatrist for the filthy lucor that may help (medications).

During all of this I have really felt like a failure in every aspect of my life. Literally. But Heavenly Father has confirmed that I'm on the right path pursuing the right things. I was offered a job. I needed that offer to help my self-worth. Through that job offer I was able to understand that this is one of my struggles I must work through.  Probably because I am so against ADHD medication, especially for my children.

This could potentially turn into my dream job! It's very exciting. Jac gets a scholarship, Juni can come with me til she's two and then she'll get a scholarship. Jayna has access to the before or after school program depending on our needs. I get to bring in some much needed income and develop skills I'll need after my degree is completed.

But until August I need to solve this ADHD debacle yesterday so I can move on. I do not like being out of control. Or better not able to see that I'm  off task and daydreaming. I do not like forgetting everything. The only way to describe it is sad and the most overwhelming thing I've ever been through.

I am thankful for the many ways and good people Heavenly Father utilizes to reach out to his children. I'm grateful to know I'm doing the right thing, even if I'm not finishing it - today. There will be tomorrow and that will have to be enough until I can do better.